What to Do When Your Teen Hates You

You knew it was coming eventually, now, suddenly, your child is a teen, and everything about you is annoying or embarrassing—the shirt you’re wearing, the way you walk, the questions you ask, the gifts you buy, the pace at which you spread cream cheese on your bagel. The kid can’t stand being around you. Yes, this kid. The same darling child who once jumped into your arms whenever you picked him up from preschool, the one you called your shadow because he would never leave your side. What happened?

Adolescence happened, and as frustrating and painful as it can be for you as a parent, the fact that your kid is “allergic” to you is healthy. Really. Asher Brauner, a family therapist in Santa Cruz, California who has worked with adolescents for years, tells me that teenagers have an “inner mandate to individuate”—or as Kelly Clarkson might say, break away. This, of course, is a massive feat. The kid has relied on you for so many years (you’ve wiped their bottoms and peeled their grapes, for goodness sake). When they suddenly try to assert independence, things are bound to get messy.

Brauner’s advice for parents: Don’t make it worse.

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